Wounds that won't heal
by Toni
Summary: Four viggies, from four different characters and four different time periods (end of Ep. III to NJO). Angsty theme - dads and the death (or near death, or possible death) of a child.
1. Default Chapter

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." (Norman Cousins)

"It is marked by the most ancient of poets that in peace children bury their parents; in war parents bury their children." (David Thomas Dortch)

**Wounds that Don't Heal**

The Will to Move On

It's my turn to stare at the casket, only half believing what I see. I should have known my daughter was in more danger than she had let on.

_What was her last mission, _I wonder for what I'm sure won't be the final time.

Padme had always been my golden girl, as much as I love and adore Sola. Padme had been so loving, so compassionate, the prodigy who wanted to use her gifts to help her people. She was the one who never bear to think badly of anybody. Though I knew she often went inward to avoid the pain that comes with living in this galaxy for any decent amount of time. I feel guilty for not having protected her from that enough, but I suppose all fathers feel protective towards their daughters.

Somehow nobody in my family was surprised when Padme told us that she'd married Anakin Skywalker. Sola claimed she'd known that would happen since she'd seen the way he'd looked at Padme when they came to Naboo. While I'd never pictured Padme with a Jedi, I'd been thrilled that she'd found the love of her life. Her last visit home, she was excited to announce to us that she was pregnant with their first child. I suppose he or she died with her and Anakin was killed in the Purges.

She looks as if she were asleep now, like she might wake up at any moment. But as I stroke her face, it's cold. As I stand back up, still unable to take my eyes off of her, Jobal reaches for my hand. I take it, but gently resist as she tries to pull back, to make me walk away from my daughter for the last time.

I've heard the rumors; that the Emperor ordered her killed for being one of the leaders of a group of senators who opposed him. I feel sick, and feel that I could kill him myself if that's true. _But it wouldn't bring Padme back_, I remind myself as I step away.

_And I need to move on with my life._

But somehow I knew that it wouldn't happen. There are some wounds that will never heal. And this is one of them.


	2. The Cost of Revolution

The Cost of Revolution

I realize, with a start, that it has been hours since I was supposed to hear from my ship. Part of me wishes, not for the first time, that my daughter would not volunteer for these missions. The realization that there is nothing I can do makes me restless, and I begin to panic. I've never felt so alone since my wife died. I'm terrified that Leia is prisoner on a battle station that I'm not supposed to know about as it officially doesn't exist. It's supposedly the size of a small moon. I can only imagine what they'd do to a caught member of the Alliance.

Of course, there had been no stopping Leia from trying to get her hands on the Death Star plans. "Dad, you know I'd never forgive myself if I could have done something and I didn't because I was afraid then a planet with billions of innocent people on it got blasted," she'd explained.

I knew what she meant, for I'd certainly risked my life before, knowing I was one of the few who could do something. Having influence, though it seems to be less and less every day, and recognizing a fascist dictatorship is forming, is responsibility. I'd gotten Leia, not to mention the ability to live with myself out of the bargain. I couldn't ask for better, though the Empire still exists.

After sending what messages to the Alliance I could, even though I was sure they wouldn't arrive until too late, I ask through the official channels if anyone knew where my daughter was. Somehow I'm not surprised that everyone claimed to have no idea where she could possibly be and expressed fake sympathy. Everything about those captured by the Empire is kept secret unless they'd like to make an example of someone.

I allow myself to think, for the first time, that there is a good chance I will never see my daughter again. I'd throw myself even further into my work for the Alliance to dull the pain and get revenge for her.

Looking out at the sky, I notice the full moon, and part of me recognizes that there is something strange about that, though I can't put my finger on it. Then I remember that when I looked out the night before, the moon was only a tiny sliver.


	3. The Checkmate Moment

There is no Dragon

I know now that the Emperor intends to kill Luke. Still, I continue to be loyal to my Master, thinking there's nothing I can do, that I've been to far gone for too long. I've become trapped by the assurance that I've been understood somewhere, even if it is only by the shadow that has been my only companion.

"Father, please. Help me," Luke screams, and I am sure he is close to death. Not doing anything is getting harder and harder.He reminds me of so much, of myself when I was younger, and his mother. But I've given up on my old wish of stopping people from dying. About the only reason I haven't killed myself is I'm sure that to live in this suit means more pain than anything that could come afterward. I can't be forgiven for causing Padme's death.

Once, I had called a dragon to slay Vader. What happened afterward was my greatest failure. I cannot risk calling it again, for I don't know what would happen if I did.

No dragons come. Instead, the Emperor has a mad look in his eye. "Now, Young Skywalker, you will die," he says. As though Luke wasn't going to before. As the screams start again, I realize that ignoring them is about the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Then it comes to me that I can stop him from dying. It wouldn't undo what I'd done, but it would mean I hadn't done what I thought I had years ago – killed my own child. It doesn't matter what happens to me – what do I have to live for? And so I pick up the Emperor and carry him to the shaft, trying to ignore the lightening bolts now coming into me.

I throw the Emperor into the shaft, and watch him fall, circling and screaming until there's an explosion and his body disappears from view. I collapse to the ground, thinking that if I get any love, any understanding, any forgiveness, it's more than I deserve. But I couldn't go through being responsible for someone dying again, not when I could stop it.


	4. Cut Through Nine Lives

Cut Through Nine Lives

I don't think I'd ever understood the expression "someone's heart ripped out" until the news came that Anakin was – gone. This family had always seemed somehow immune to death, even if we had been in too many battles to bother to count. Leia and Kid sure seem to have nine lives.

But right now, I'm tempted to kill every Vong myself, and make sure they died a slow and painful death for what they did to my son. This might explain why I blasted everything in sight when Leia told me what she'd felt. Her screams had gone straight to my heart. This is worse than the urge to kill every Stormtrooper, which I've had ever since I found Chewie being kept as an Imperial slave.

Leia, who hardly ever cries and didn't when we first got the news, now has red-rimmed eyes. I take her in my arms. We just stand there like that for a minute, letting each other know we're not alone and not the only people mourning Anakin without saying anything.

Jaina comes in, still wearing her Rogue Squadron uniform. "I'm sorry if I'm interrupting," she says.

"Not at all, honey, we need to be together as a family," Leia answered.

"Did you feel it too, mom?" Jaina asks, and her voice cracks.

I used to think I would get used to Force displays being used and talked about around me. I haven't. Jaina takes after me the most of all three of my kids, and she still almost scares me sometimes, especially knowing who that force sensitivity comes from.

Leia nods, her eyes once again filling with tears.

"Come on over and we'll make it a group hug," I tell Jaina.

"Thanks, dad," she says, and does.

I can't bear to let go of my two favorite girls in the galaxy as I'm suddenly afraid I'm going to lose one of them next. There are enough holes in my heart, which I used to keep protected by gallivanting around pretending to be so tough and independent, that cannot be replaced.


End file.
